After last night, I could never be a politician.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
