People in love make me want to vomit
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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