Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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