Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Are we still banned from the library?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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