So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
