Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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