Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
ugly people sure do ruin things
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
