I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
