i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
