You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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