I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
