Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
be right there i have to get my cape
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
