Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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