so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
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This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
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Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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