chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
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I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
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Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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