I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I made him laugh his dick is mine
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize