So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
