Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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