don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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