this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
