were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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