There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
