I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
