my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
