I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
