The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
