What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
