Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
