I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
