I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
