Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize