I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Randomize
