Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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