I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
