I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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