She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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