Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
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If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
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I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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