I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
