Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
They took my balls.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
