They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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