His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
