saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
