Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
