Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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