I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
