My ATM looks so different sober.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
