You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
