When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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