I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
