Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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