A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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