the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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