You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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