I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
