Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
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