we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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