She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
